Just how far will you people let me decline before there’s an intervention?

So, I still don’t fully understand the turn of events that caused this to occur, but somehow, it was decided spur-of-the-moment that my husband would drive our children to Michigan to visit their grandparents, and they would ALL STAY FOR A WEEK. In a different state. Where I am not. Like, all of them.

Which left me…unsupervised.

Which seemed like it should be TOTALLY AWESOME PARTY TIME. I’ve never been unsupervised for a week before ever. In my whole entire life. My college roommate once went to Florida for a few days and left me home alone, but even then our friend Gene came over and we drank a quart jug very small bottle of my grandpa’s homemade wine which was basically paint thinner and got so shit-faced that we told each other all of the horrible secrets we had promised our other mutual friends we would never tell anyone and now I know all of the secrets I’m looking at you Lyle Garber.

Anyway. Unsupervised. For a week. A whole week to do all of the totally awesome stuff I’ve always wanted to do but have been held back by my family because I had to do stuff like feed them and drive them to school. Stuff like skydiving. And seeing Broadway shows. And writing a novel in Paris cafes. Awesome stuff.

So far, I’ve eaten a dinner of Frosted Flakes and a second dinner of popcorn and Lambrusco, straight from the bottle. All in my bed. I’m caught up on True Blood, but need to watch some Weeds before I can dive into the really trashy reality shows. I’ve been in pajamas since I got home from work and I should probably change them because I used them as a napkin for the popcorn butter and now they have yellow handprints all over but I probably won’t because, meh. And a bra? Suddenly totally optional. Have I mentioned I’ve been home alone for not quite five hours now? And I’m already narrating my every move aloud? “And now I’m getting more wine from the fridge. Oh look, we have mozzarella cheese. God damn pantry moth. Smack. Haha, now you’re dead. I wonder if we have Pop Tarts. Pop Tarts are good.”

For some reason (I’m drunk) I thought it would be a great idea to chronicle my complete loss of social skills time without my family in daily photos. So we can all see my descent into madness which shouldn’t take more than three days it seems like a good idea to get some cats, maybe five or six, can you breed cats? because breeding cats seems like an awesome idea. cats eat Pop Tarts, right? all of the awesome stuff I’m doing as I take advantage of this time to pursue my own interests.

So, here I am. Day 1. Almost five hours alone.

What would YOU do with a week alone?

Posted under I am an asshole, I like drugs, It is a miracle I don't drink more often, Perverts read my blog, Shit I actually wrote instead of just transcribing what my kid said by Laugh, Mom