I never knew Jesus was into S & M
By the third time we crossed paths in the Shoprite, I was convinced she was checking me out. She tried a few times to make eye contact and even gave a little smile. She had a son, too, but he was a few years older than mine. Probably home sick from school. In the canned [...]
Yeah, but he thinks that about everyone
Me: I’m tired. I had to get up early this morning to drive Grandma to the airport.Moon: She’s home now?Me: Yes. Are you going to miss her?Moon: Uh, yeah.Me: Really?Moon: Mmhmm.Me: You’re not glad she went home?Moon: No. Not at all.Me: You don’t think she’s mean?Moon: No. Peanut does.
Perv
While trying to do some prep work, I noticed that one of the little vintage nighties that I was getting ready to sell was super cute and looked to be my size. So I took my shirt off and tried it on over my bra. Peanut: Mom, why are you trying that on with your [...]
Big, son. Very big.
Peanut: Hey, Mom, in class today we were talking about cow udders.Me: Why?Peanut: I dunno. We just were.Me: Were you learning about cows?Peanut: No.Me: Was your teacher talking about cows?Peanut: No. Everybody was just talking about cow udders.Me: Ok. Cows have udders. That’s where we get milk.Peanut, giggling: We drink milk from cow wieners.Me: Udders [...]
(That, that) Dad looks like a lady…
Peanut, watching D. leave for work: Mom, why is Dad wearing that shirt?Me: What do you mean? It’s his work shirt. Peanut: It’s pink.Me: So what? He looks nice.Peanut: No he doesn’t. He’s wearing a pink shirt.Me: Dudes wear pink shirts.Peanut: No. They don’t. Girls do.
The Tooth Fairy doesn’t take any crap
It was an eventful day in the Laugh, Mom household. I might even go so far as to say, Peanut’s dream day. Why? Well, for one thing, Moon had to shit in Saran Wrap. Due to some digestive issues, Moon went to see a GI specialist this week. The doctor gave him medication and ordered [...]
Now it’s starting to hurt my feelings
Moon: I know what happened to the Peanut Butter Cup ice cream.Peanut: Me, too! Mom ate it all!Moon: I know!Peanut: And now she’s just so huge!Me: For the record, I finished the last of the ice cream. I didn’t eat all of it. Jerks.
Honesty is overrated
Peanut: Mom, how much do you weigh?Me: 100 lbs.Peanut: Really? Wow? That means you’re short and plump.Me: Actually, 100 lbs. is quite skinny.Peanut: It is?Me: Yes.Peanut: Then how much do you really weigh?
Well, now that you mention it
Peanut: I have to pee!Moon: I’m going poop. Get out!Peanut: But I have to pee really bad. Get off the toilet.Moon: I’m pooping!Me, yelling from bedroom: Just pee in the tub.Peanut: What cup?Me: The tub. Just pee in the bathtub.Peanut: Pee in Dad’s cup?Me, remembering that D. is spending the night at a hotel in [...]
And then steam came out of my ears and my head exploded
This is the conversation I expected to have when I picked Peanut up from school today: Me: So, Peanut, I need to ask you something.Peanut: What?Me: Why did you pee in your garbage can?Peanut: What do you mean? I never peed in my garbage can.Me: Are you sure? Because your garbage can was full of [...]
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