Well, at least he’s mastered his "R"s
Me, backing out of parking spot, nearly hitting a man on a bike who decided to whiz between cars: Nice! Stupid fucking guy on a bike.Toddler: Fah-ker bike?Me: No! No! Babies don’t say that.Toddler: Fucker bike?Me: No, no! Those are not words for babies.Toddler: Fucker bike? Fucker bike? Fucker bike!Me: Awesome.Toddler, singing in a sweet [...]
I have homework? That’s bullshit!
First week of school. The boys’ homework consisted of bringing home a massive, crap-ton of forms for me to fill out and sign in duplicate. The same damn forms I filled out and signed last year. The same damn forms I filled out online so I wouldn’t have to fill out the paper version. Which, [...]
That’s love
Peanut, crying, feelings horribly hurt: Mom, Moon said my craft project is stupid. Now I don’t want to do it anymore.Me: What? Your project isn’t stupid. It’s awesome. I love what you’re doing.Peanut: Moon says I’m obsessed.Me: So what. You’re doing something creative and super cool.Peanut: Moon think it’s stupid.Me: Look, Moon is an ass. [...]
Would someone else care to explain why this is inappropriate?
Peanut, singing: Santa’s comin’ tonight, tonight. Santa’s comin’ tonight.Me, ignoring him…Peanut, singing: Santa’s comin’ tonight, tonight. Santa’s comin’ tonight.Me, still ignoring him….Peanut, singing: Santa’s comin’ in meh butthole, Sant’s comin’ in meh butthole.Me, no longer ignoring him: Um, no! Not appropriate. Absolutely not.Peanut: What? Why is that inappropriate?Me, at a loss: Because you can’t say [...]
That would be an interesting system
D: Aren’t we supposed to get all that rain tomorrow?Me: From the hurricane? Yeah, I think so.Peanut: We’re going to have a hurricane?D: It’s not going to be where we are.Me: We’ll just get some rain. We’re too far inland to get a hurricane.Peanut: Oh, because we’re by Pennsylvania?Me: No, because New York is in [...]
He talks. I’m not sure what language he’s speaking, but he talks…
Me: So, what would you like for breakfast?Toddler: Ya Ya Yick.Me: Um…French Toast Stick?Toddler: Unh-Unh. Ya Ya Yick.Me: Right. French Toast Stick.Toddler: UNH-UNH! Ya Ya Yick.Me: Okay. So I’m going to go downstairs and get the French Toast Sticks.Toddler, following me downstairs: UNH-UNH! UNH-UNH! Ya Ya Yick.Me: Hmm…how about if you show me what you [...]
Oh. Ok.
Toddler: Wheh dah-ee?Me: He’s at basketball.Toddler. Oh. Ok. Wheh dah-ee?Me: At basketball.Toddler: Oh. Ok. Wheh dah-ee?Me: Daddy went to play basketball.Toddler: Oh. Ok. Wheh dah-ee?Me: Daddy’s at school.Toddler: Wheh dah-ee?Me: Daddy’s at work.Toddler: Wheh dah-ee?Me: Daddy’s in the bathroom.Toddler: Wheh dah-ee?Me: Daddy’s at basketball.Toddler: Oh. Ok. Wheh dah-ee?Me: I don’t know, but I hope he’s [...]
And, I’m going to just go ahead and kill myself now
I’ll admit it. I thought I was hot stuff today. I decided to take a risk and wear a dress that was just a smidge shorter than my normal comfort zone, with shoes just a bit taller than I’d regularly wear on a Tuesday. When I walked out in public today, I saw the head [...]
Schpeak up, Schonny
Peanut: Mom! I peed in the bathtub and the Toddler just put tub water in a cup and drank it!Me: Oh my God! That’s disgusting. Drain the tub.Peanut: I poured it on him. Me: No! I said drain the tub. Do not pour pee water on your brother.Peanut: Come on, Mom. Are you deaf? I [...]
They’ll probably find this even funnier when they learn what "cock" means….
In the back yard with all three boys. Neighbors are home. There is a little league baseball game going on across the street. Lots of local families within hearing range. Me: Come on, let me use the swing.Moon: No!Me: Come on.Moon, laughing: No!Me: Ick. When is the last time you brushed your teeth?Moon: Mmm…..I dunno. [...]
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