The art of compromise
Me: Get dressed. Peanut: No! I am NOT going to school!Me: Yes you are. Get dressed. Peanut: No I am not. Me: Yes you are. Get dressed. Peanut: NO! I’m not going. Me: Do you remember what happened with lacrosse? Peanut: Yes. But I’m not going to school. Me: You are. If I have to [...]
Walked into a doorknob again…
D: That’s quite a black eye.Me: I know. D: Your arms are covered in bruises, too.Me: The Toddler keeps kicking the crap out of me.Me again: (yawning), man, why am I so tired all the time?D: Maybe it’s cancer.Me: Probably. Then I’ll die and you’ll have to raise these three kids all by yourself.D: No, [...]
What? This is totally appropriate for a trip to the playground
I am 5’4″ tall and have been since the fifth grade. When I was a Freshman in high school, I weighed 96 lbs and wore a size 8. When I met my husband, I weighed 143 lbs and still wore a size 8. I chalk it up to ass and titties. At 143 lbs., my [...]
He’s one to talk
Peanut: Hey, Mom! Remember in Paris, all those naked people?Me: Wha?Peanut: You know, all those people and children, with the penises?Me: I’m not sure what you’re talking about.Peanut: When you were in Paris.Me: You mean, the statues?Peanut, laughing: Yeah, the statues of all the naked people.Me: Yes. What about them.Peanut: Why were they naked?Me: Because [...]
Sticks and stones
Me: Come on, Peanut, we have to go get your brother.Peanut: But Mom, what if someone steals my stick?Me: What stick?Peanut: The stick that I just put in that hole.Me: People don’t really steal sticks.Peanut: Oh yes they do.Me: No. They don’t. Nobody is going to steal your stick.Peanut: What if the neighbor kid has [...]
Yeah, this is basically what my Friday night looks like
D., freshly showered after clearing snow: I want to just put on sweatpants, but I’ll wear jeans instead. Me: Wear sweatpants. D.: But I want to impress you. I know how much you like it when I wear pants. Plus, I’m kind of gassy, and wearing sweatpants when you’re gassy is like putting poop through [...]
He followed this up by pulling down his pants and shaking his penis all over the living room
Peanut: Mom, can I have a hotdog?Me: Go ahead.Peanut: Mom, what’s a beef frank?Me: It’s a hotdog.Peanut: No, what’s a BEEF FRANK?Me: It’s a hotdog.Peanut: No, a BEEF FRANK. What’s a beef frank?Me: A hotdog.Peanut: No, Mom, a beef frank. Is that like a pig’s wiener or something?Me, pounding my head on the table: No. [...]
Not sure he should hang out with Grandma anymore
Peanut: Hey Mom! When I was at Blockbuster with Grandma, some person just did something so stupid. I was renting Carnival Mini Golf and some prankster put Cooking Mama in its place. What an idiot! Me: Huh. How about if you stop calling people idiots? Peanut: I will stop calling people idiots when those idiots [...]
And I’d like to thank Mother Nature for kicking me in the taint while I’m down
So, as I mentioned previously, things have been a little shitty (a lot shitty) for me lately. And I hate to sound like I’m having a huge pity party (I AM having a huge pity party), because I know I’m fortunate in a lot of ways. My kids are healthy, we have a roof over [...]
Sadly, he takes after me
Me, looking out the window: Ooh, it’s getting windy.Moon: Where?Me: Uh, outside.Moon: Oh, phew.
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